


For You, I Will

by agaytoremembr



Series: Second Chances [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: And during the apocalypse he didn't have TIME to show them, Gen, I have feelings about five, and he loves his siblings, bc he was thirteen when you're thirteen you always think you hate your siblings, he just didn't realize it until he saw them dead, which means I had to write this bc I need five to be able to be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-07 21:07:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17968058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agaytoremembr/pseuds/agaytoremembr
Summary: It took the apocalypse for Five to realize that he loved his family.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm super nervous whenever I post something so any comments on what you liked/didn't like would be really nice!!
> 
> Also Five is very dismissive of Klaus at first bc he had almost zero empathy bc who wouldn't after growing up with Hargreeves as a parent, and I know Klaus is the one we all decided needed to be protected, so pls don't jump ship bc of his dismissive attitude at first, it gets better I swear
> 
> Also feel free to come chat about TUA on tumblr @ agaytoremembr :)

It took the apocalypse for Five to realize that he loved his family.

 

Objectively, of course, he could admit that he cared for a few of them: Vanya was the one he sought out when he wanted human interaction, her soft voice and sweet music a relief after throwing everything he had into expanding his powers; and Ben. Ben, whose innate gentleness had never failed to confound Five. He steered clear of this brother, like the others, but only because Ben’s kind eyes reflected something back that made him deeply uncomfortable in his own skin. He appreciated him, but in Ben’s kindness all he could see was his own callousness.

 

But the rest? Luther and Diego’s constant bickering and power struggle were idiotic, he had never quite trusted Allison, with those mind-altering powers, and Klaus was so fucking _annoying_. Not only that, but, privately, Five saw him as weak. He had never had the empathy to understand being frightened by his own powers, and it had never occurred to him to try. He had never seen Grace as a mother, purely a substitute so that the old man didn’t have to worry about their daily needs, and Pogo, while kindly and generally well-intention, was just another servant under the old man’s thumb.

 

So when he jumped into the future, the last thing he expected to feel was longing for his loud, annoying, distracting idiot siblings, but he did. The longing lodged in his throat as he stared at their dead bodies, nearly perfect amongst the rubble, but too still, far too still. His eyes stung, rivulets of moisture tracking down his face. He couldn’t remember ever crying before then.

 

_istanbul not constantinople_

 

It was Vanya’s book that changed his point of view, of all things. Or maybe all the years of solitude to think things over, but he preferred to credit his sister. He found it after weeks of wandering; even that early, he had began to lose track. A wondrous thing, a library that was mostly intact. The thing he missed most was human interaction, but immediately after that was books. He had been spoiled by his father’s plentiful library, and in this world of ash and rubble, he was sorely missing it.

 

He had already found Delores by that point, but their relationship was new; he hadn’t told her about his family quite yet. He was looking for books that weren’t too ruined, so he could stow them in his wagon for later. He already had an idea that there would be no saving, he would be stuck for a long time. That may have been his only chance to get reading material.

 

Something he never expected to find was a book by Ms. Vanya Hargreeves. A tell-all novel, Five thought with a disbelieving grin, turning the book over in his fingers. That took some serious balls. By some luck, the copy seemed to be nearly new. He carefully stowed it away in his jacket pocket, then continued to sort through the books.

 

_istanbul not constantinople_

 

Five read Vanya’s book cover to cover seven times, one for each of them. It seemed symbolic.

 

Seeing the bodies, he had assumed Ben hadn’t tried to fight with the siblings. He and Klaus were both the most uncomfortable with their own powers, and Five had an assumption that once Ben was no longer at the academy, he would stop using his powers. But to find out that he had died years before, on a fluke… Five held Delores for hours afterwards, sobbing into her neck.

 

He had learned more about Diego in a short chapter than he had bothered to know during their thirteen years together. Something in his chest twinged as he remembered his stuttering brother, who fought with Luther viciously but always trailed after Grace like a lost puppy.

 

Luther and Allison’s chapters didn’t surprise him, but a magazine cutout that had been shoved into the pages enlightened him a bit. Allison had been married, with a child. Imagining his sister as a mother was difficult, but he felt happy for her, briefly, before he remembered that the literal apocalypse had happened and Allison had died, along with her child and husband.

 

His opinion of Klaus changed; he still didn't agree with his brother’s choice to use drugs and alcohol to push away his gifts, but after the solitude had gotten to him, nearly driving him mad before he found Delores, he started to understand. He could almost hear Vanya’s gentle voice whispering the words in his ear as he read, having to stop multiple times on his first read-through because tears blurred his vision.

 

He kept the book with him, reading and making notes, as a reminder that he could never give up trying to get back to his family.

 

_istanbul not constantinople_

 

Five had had many long talks with Delores about what he would do if he could have gotten back to his family, but none of them went how he knew it had to go this time. It was only until their lives were no longer in jeopardy, he told himself, steeling his heart against the emotions that threatened to bubble over. Instead, he pushed all of it onto Delores, leaving only snappy remarks and condescending sighs for his siblings. There was too much to do, and he couldn’t allow himself to get distracted by the emotions that tried to drown him.

 

Constantly in survival mode, it was almost too easy to do. He was good at compartmentalizing, and by the time he believed they had averted the apocalypse, he was feeling pretty fucking good.

 

Which of course meant that nothing was actually solved, and the sibling he was closest to was the trigger for the end of the world. He didn’t want to leave Vanya locked up, he didn’t want to try to stop her, he didn’t want the endgame for them to have to take her out; but he was a pragmatic man. He did what was necessary, in all situations, no matter how much it hurt on the inside. One life had to be sacrificed for millions, that was just how it was.

 

Or so he kept telling himself, screaming and crying like a child on the inside, as they sent Allison off to be a distraction and planned to take out his favorite sister.

 

_istanbul not constantinople_

 

Finally, the moment had arrived, something Five had been waiting for, for ages. Except it didn’t feel any different, all of them back in their younger bodies now, not just Five. He still had a mission, just like before: keep the apocalypse from happening, and now that included making sure that old man Hargreeves (because Five could no longer stomach thinking of the man as ‘father’) didn’t find out about their time traveling, or ruin them like he had before.

 

They had one night of blissful peace, piling into Luther’s bedroom and collapsing together. Luther stripped his bed and Allison’s, throwing down comforters and pillows to make them all a big bed on the floor. Klaus and Ben were entwined, Klaus as though he couldn’t get over the fact that Ben was alive again, while Allison held both Ben and Vanya’s hands in her own. Luther was snoring at their feet, Diego for once not pretending he was above it all, and snuggled up to Klaus’ other side. The three of them were always the closest of them all, the first time around, Five noted almost fondly, from his spot curled around Vanya. They were the only two left awake, peering around at their siblings with twin looks of wonder, although Five thought for entirely different reasons. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, awkwardly, unused to physical contact after so many years alone. Even before his sojourn to the apocalypse, he had never had much practice in casual touches; Hargreeves had discouraged it as much as he could, and Five had always been too ambitious to care about anything other than his own abilities most of the time.

 

Vanya blinked up at him, a hesitant smile pulling at the corners of her lips. She leaned into the hug, pressing a quick, barely-there kiss to his cheek. “I’m glad you're back.”

 

While his sister smiled and closed her eyes, Five touched his cheek, emotions bubbling up that he couldn’t even identify. His throat felt tight and his eyes stung, all of the sorrow he had kept locked up inside him pouring out in muffled sobs. He turned away from his siblings- they couldn’t see him be weak- but a touch to his shoulder made him jump.

 

Vanya bit her lip, opening her arms like it was a new gesture, which, Five supposed, it might be. None of them were much used to physical affection.

Five hesitated, the need for this small token of love warring with his instinct to never show weakness. He was nearly ready to refuse, but Vanya spoke first.

“You don’t have to be strong all the time, Five,” she said in that soft voice that he had missed, and the dam broke open as he fell into his sister’s arms and sobbed. He clung to her tight, afraid to go to sleep lest they all disappear, like the dreams he would have only to wake up to another day in the apocalypse.

 

_istanbul not constantinople_

 

Five sat on his bed, head in his hands. He would go through another decade and a half of forced solitude, if that’s what it would take to keep them all safe. He had already begun pulling away after the night he broke down in Vanya’s arms, and he could tell it hurt his siblings but it was for the best. Their best, he corrected himself with a quiet sigh, because they were the people he cared for, the ones he would sacrifice everything for.

 

“You’re allowed to love them, you know.”

 

The voice made him jump, reaching for the knife he had hidden under his pillow and getting ready to strike. He wasn’t as good at knife throwing as Diego, but he was competent enough to protect himself. He was nearly ready to throw when the form leaning against the doorway finally registered in his brain. _Ben_ , his mind screamed, _you almost killed_ Ben _._

 

Blood pounded in his ears as he dropped the knife with shaky hands, Ben’s gaze firm and calculating. He hadn’t realized how much Ben had changed until they’d had their meeting the other day, but in some ways, he was also exactly the same. The empathy Five could see in Ben’s eyes made his skin crawl, and it took another beat before Ben’s words even registered with him. “What?” He snapped, his cheeks flushing bright red. “Shouldn’t you be with Klaus, or something?” It was a weak throwback, but an honest argument. Klaus and Ben rarely left each other’s sides since they’d been back.

 

Ben didn’t react, merely stepping inside the room and turning his back to Five to examine some trinkets on the top of his dresser, little things that Klaus had taken to leaving there, that Five hadn’t gotten rid of. “You learn a lot, being dead,” Ben said mildly, picking up a Polaroid photograph.

 

Five could feel his cheeks heating up. Klaus had obviously snuck out and ‘borrowed’ a camera, made his way to the department store and took a picture with a mannequin there. There was a note scrawled on the backside in his brother’s messy hand, and Five couldn’t make himself throw it away. Looking at it brought a lump to his throat, and a rush of unwanted affection for his most unpredictable sibling.

 

Ben glanced over his shoulder, his too-knowing eyes meeting Five’s own. Ben was far too perceptive for his own good. “Yeah. It’s good for that, anyway. Death. Whenever I wasn’t with Klaus, I tried to check up on everyone.” His tone was soft but Five felt a shiver go down his spine. “I saw things, things that helped me understand a little better.”

 

Five opened his mouth, maybe to argue, maybe to belittle whatever Ben _thought_ he saw, but Ben beat him to it. “And there were a lot of moments that I saw you, Fivey, crying on your own, talking to your Delores, about us.” He quirked a brow, giving Five a chance to respond now, but Five’s voice wasn't cooperating. Ben went on. “You love them, Five. You’re allowed to love them. The mission, it’s over now.”

 

“It’ll never be over,” Five said finally, his voice weak and wobbly. He wiped his eyes furiously, desperate to hide the moisture that gathered at the corners. He pulled a Klaus, an attempt at humor in a humorless situation. “It’s a full time job looking after you lot.”

 

Ben set the photo down, turning to give Five a sad, knowing smile that looked far too mature to be on a thirteen year old’s face. “You don’t have to be our protector,” he said softly, never taking his eyes off of Five. “You’re allowed to just be our brother." He sighed. "Loving someone so much you’re willing to cut yourself off for their safety feels exactly the same as you not caring about them at all, Fivey. Think about that, okay?”

 

“And, Five?” Ben paused by the doorway, turning his head and giving Five one last, unreadable look. “You _are_ callous, but you’re so much more than that. And for what it’s worth, that’s never what I saw when I looked at you. I saw your strength and determination the same way you saw my ‘kindness.’”

 

_istanbul not constantinople_

 

Five didn’t change overnight; he didn’t become someone he wasn’t, but he did relax the walls he had built up around himself. It took a few days but he couldn’t shake Ben’s words, the subtle warning he had left him with. Doing the wrong thing for noble reasons was still doing the wrong thing, and shutting everyone out could be disastrous.

 

He was still sarcastic and superior, he still preferred to lose himself in a book than get up to nonsensical shenanigans, but now, when he was reading in his room, Vanya would be there practicing her violin, or Ben would be right next to him, lost in his own novel. He wasn’t allowed to shut them out anymore, and under duress, he could admit that he preferred it that way.

 

He had also been strong-armed (Ben still argued that simply asking politely was _not_ the same as ‘strong-arming’ someone) into participating in one group activity per week. These were usually directly from the combined chaotic brains of Klaus, Allison, and Diego, and Five always complained the whole time, but that was just who he was as a person. If pressed, he might have even admitted to enjoying himself.

 

He still saw his siblings as loud, annoying, and idiotic; that much he was sure would never change, but he also knew he loved each and every one of them with all of his heart. Whether it be sparring with Luther and Diego, watching movies with Allison, bonding with Klaus over time travel and lost loves, or his quiet times with Ben and Vanya, Five was happy. The apocalypse could still be coming, Hargreeves could find them out, any of them could die in a freak accident at any moment, but Five was finally, _finally_ happy.


	2. Ben.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last scene, but from Ben's perspective. I was going to put it in Ben's one shot I'm working on, but it wasn't fitting and I didn't want to get rid of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to put this in Ben's one shot but it didn't fit, and I wanted to share it because when I was writing it I wanted to show the differences in what Ben exudes to Five and what he's actually feeling.

Ben had been watching Five since they’d gotten back in the past. It was more difficult to get away with now that everyone could see him, and with their father back in the picture, but still. He had been watching Five, and he knew his brother was pulling away, just after he’d started to open up. To Vanya, anyway. 

 

Ben hadn’t been asleep that night, too busy reveling in being  _ alive _ again, when he heard them moving around. He’d eavesdropped, heart hurting while Five cried, but doing nothing. He had hoped that it would lead to the walls around Five breaking down, but he was dead wrong. 

 

So this was his attempt. He had to do something, or the careful balance they’d had would unravel, because Vanya couldn’t deal with being shut out again, even just by one of them. He liked to think that he would have tried nonetheless, though, as he gazed through the open doorway, his brother cradling his head in his hands and looking downright pitiful. “You’re allowed to love them, you know.”

 

Ben had expected Five to start glaring at him. What he hadn’t expected was his brother, quick as a whip, drawing a knife from beneath his pillow and throwing his arm back. His eyes were glazed over, as if he were seeing another fight, another time, not recognizing who he was actually aiming his knife at. His heart caught in his throat, and he really didn’t want to die, not again. His hands fisted in the hem of his shirt; he didn’t have the reflexes to stop a projectile being fired at him, but the monsters under his skin had never let him down, when he trusted them to protect him. 

 

A heavy sigh of relief left him when Five’s eyes cleared, then filled with horror, the knife clattering on the floor. He stared, unable to look away. Five was starting to lose the fragile hold he’d had on reality. 

 

“What?” The tiny assassin snapped, his voice raw and desperate. Ben wasn’t sure if Five knew he was shaking. “Shouldn’t you be with Klaus, or something?” 

 

Ben thought he deserved that. After so long of existing where only Klaus could see him, his world narrowed to the one brother, the one person who could speak to him. He had never stopped caring about the others, but his connection with Klaus was stronger, and he knew it showed. He took a few steps inside, pausing to admire an array of little treasures upon Five’s chest of drawers. He knew they all came from Klaus; he’d been the first to see them, to give feedback on whether Five might like them. All of them had a collection like this, things Klaus had specifically picked out for each of them. He smiled, brushing his fingers over a pretty rock. “You learn a lot, being dead,” he began, then paused. He picked up a Polaroid picture, the one thing he hadn’t seen before. That sneaky little bastard had snuck out without Ben realizing. He glanced over his shoulder at Five, to make sure he was still listening. “Yeah. It’s good for that, anyway. Death.” Five was one of the two siblings who didn’t flinch at the mention of his death. It was comforting, almost. He turned around, leaning back against the dresser. “Whenever I wasn’t with Klaus, I tried to check up on everyone. I saw things. Things that helped me understand a little better.” 

 

Ben knew Five would start arguing with him if he gave him a chance; Five wasn’t stupid, he would guess what Ben had seen, so he started talking faster. “And there were a lot of moments that I saw you, Fivey, crying on your own, talking to your Delores, about us.” He waited for Five to respond this time, but nothing was coming. He continued, softer. “You love them, Five. You’re allowed to love them. The mission, it’s over now.”

 

Five’s answer was, unfortunately, what Ben had expected. He still thought he was in a war zone. “It’ll never be over,” Five croaked, scrubbing at his eyes. “It’s a full time job, looking after you lot.”

 

Ben didn’t realize he still had hold of the photo until he felt the corner stabbing into his palm, because he was gripping it so hard. He set it back down, closing his eyes for a long moment before turning back to Five. The corners of his lips turned up into a sad, sad smile. “You don’t have to be our protector.” Five never had the common sense to allow others in, not when he could keep everything close to his chest in the name of protecting them. “You’re allowed to just be our brother.”

He thought briefly about all the little moments of conversation he had overheard as a ghost, the utter bullshit in the name of saving them. “Loving someone so much you’re willing to cut yourself off for their safety feels exactly the same as not caring about them at all. Think about that, Fivey.”

 

Five paled, as Ben figured he would. The line had been pulled directly from his conversation with his mannequin. He turned to leave, but another memory bubbled up. “And, Five?” He paused by the door, looking at Five over his shoulder. “You  _ are _ callous, but you’re so much more than that. And for what it’s worth, that’s never what I saw when I looked at you. I saw your strength and determination the same way you saw my ‘kindness.’” He could never see his kindness the way his siblings did, and he thought maybe that was how they all felt about their good qualities. This time around, Ben planned to compliment his siblings a lot more, instead of just thinking it. Maybe then, they wouldn’t grow up again thinking that they were all so horrible and disappointing.

**Author's Note:**

> should I add more to this series? And if so, who would you like a one shot based around?


End file.
